Cliff and Kendall: Coast 2 Coast

If only we were still in school!

2012-03-04T19:53:00.002-08:00

WASHINGTON—Finally conceding it is unrealistic to expect today's children to complete a pull-up, run a mile, or touch their toes, the President's Council on Fitness, Sports, and Nutrition announced Tuesday the new standard for winning its award would be the ability to eat a meal without breaking a sweat. "In our revised physical fitness test, a meal is placed in front of a child, and the longer he or she is able to eat without wheezing or needing to lie down, the higher the score," said executive director Shellie Pfohl, adding that children who complete the meal in the fastest amount time without shifting around in their seat to make their pants fit more comfortably will be eligible for the top medal. "We want our kids to set more pragmatic, real-world goals for themselves, and being able to run back and forth across a basketball court one time is no longer realistic." At press time, elementary school student Henry Walters was on his fourth helping of mashed potatoes as his obese classmates cheered for him to keep going.

A Muppet Talk Show

2012-03-01T17:37:00.001-08:00

OK, Finally a talk show I might actually watch. Various websites are reporting that the Jim Henson Company is working on a talk show for BBC One in the UK, to be hosted by a new puppet character. There’s not much info yet, but the show is being called No Strings Attached, and it would involve a puppet talk show host interviewing real celebrities. Naturally, every website is calling the character a Muppet..

The announcement brings two things to mind: First, Augie & Del’s Late Night Buffet, the Henson project from a few years ago that never got off the ground… That was supposed to be a talk show hosted by two puppets. The other thing, of course, is Alf’s Hit Talk Show, which lasted for seven whole episodes on TV Land in 2004. If No Stringsmakes it to air, let’s hope it fares a little better.

Oh No- We're Not Dead!

2012-02-11T08:22:00.000-08:00

No, we are alive! And our show is so dead it's alive!! All "kidding" aside, our show is brand new today. We've got a super secret excellent NEW show coming out on itunes today to follow up our nail-biting two parter about Simple Pleasures.

What could be better than a Saturday in February listening to Cliff and Kendall? (Don't answer that.)

You might be wondering, what does an obese internet show host do on a Saturday? Well, I'll be catching up on the following shows from this week online.

Glee

New Girl

Raising Hope

Modern Family

30 Rock

The Office

Up All Night

There was no new Parks and Recreation this week. Community has still not been rescheduled. BUT- Cougar Town is returning on Tuesday (Valentine's Night!) No, I haven't given up The Office yet, and rumors say Dwight may spin-off and Mindy Kaling (Kelly) may be getting her own show on Fox. Hopefully Dunder Mifflin will be absorbed totally into Sabre and the Scranton branch will shut its doors. And Andy will be put in prison on whatever trumped up charges you can imagine.

SPECIAL NOTE TO KENDALL: Your pal Bradley Whitford is coming to Pawnee! He'll be guesting on Parks and Recreation this season. So there's no better time to join the Leslie Knope bandwagon- you'll love it. It's basically The West Wing as a sitcom.

Life Advice

2012-01-15T15:56:00.000-08:00

It's hard for decent people to stay angry at someone who has burst into tears, which is why it is often a good idea to burst into tears if a decent person is yelling at you. - Lemony Snicket

C'mon Karma!!!!

2012-01-13T12:39:00.001-08:00

After watching the "okay" show Up All Night on Hulu, which is currently guest starring EARL, I decided steps must be taken. Look- he's Earling all over the screen! I am ready to get Dianetics from the library and convert to Xenuism if we can get a My Name is Earl conclusion!

Be it movie (very long-shot), tv-movie (it could happen), or straight to DVD whatever (I'll gladly settle for this!), we need some closure! Or at least I need some closure. Earl was cut short in its prime. I just want one more trip to the crab shack.

Life's a Happy Song

2012-01-12T20:25:00.000-08:00

I just want to put it "out there," that we will have definitive proof of God's existence very soon! How will this come? In the form of an omen on this year's Oscar show, that's how.

Simply put: If "Life's a Happy Song" from The Muppets does not win the Academy Award for Best Original Song, there is NO GOD. If Kermit wins the Oscar: God exists.

Happy New Year!! We're alive, as is evidenced by our BRAND NEW shows each and every Friday! Others shows take weeks off- some shows take for-fucking-ever off, but not us!!! We're brand blobbin' new each and every Friday.

In fact, we've got an all new salute coming your way tomorrow!!!

Birthdays Are Special

2011-12-29T05:56:00.000-08:00

As a teenager I baked birthday cakes for the likes of Madonna, Rosie O'Donnell, Kathie Lee Gifford, and Cher. (It was kind of like sending up a burnt offering, but instead you got to eat it with ice cream). Now, as an adult I must make due "wishing" happy birthday to celebrities via this blog. Sunrise, sunset.

Anyway- I missed a few birthdays this month!! Up top, see Britney Spears celebrate a birthday- only a few weeks ago she celebrated turning 30! Hopefully she took advantage of both 30th birthday episodes we recorded this year, and eased herself into middle age along with us. Only 10 days ago the world's Gyllenhaaliest Jake turned 31!! So much older than me. It's much more appropriate to lust after celebrities that are older than you.

In case I forget in January, allow me to preemptively wish Happy Cakeday to another older celebrity (and my first love) Justin Timberlake, also turning 31!

Also in January: Living legend (and Patron Saint of ME) Dolly Parton turns 66! Salute her!

For the Fiber Lovers

2011-12-13T20:51:00.000-08:00

I just found out that South Park Christmas episodes are all about Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo. I will be on the look out because:

Sometimes he's nutty

Sometimes he's corny

He can be brown or greenish brown

(Mmmmhmmm!)

But if you eat fiber on Christmas eve

He might come to your town!

I've Seen the Future and It Will Be

2011-12-13T20:47:00.000-08:00

I had a sudden moment when my life flashed in front of my eyes. And all I can say to describe it is: Imagine Uncle Fester, but he's dressed as Santa Claus, but he's too fat and gets stuck in the chimney. It's not only a bit from the Addams Family Christmas episode. It is a metaphor for my life.

For the Record

2011-12-13T20:40:00.000-08:00

My new second favorite prison warden on television is Craig T. Nelson as the bumbling man who needs (My Name is) Earl to help him out constantly during Earl's stint in the pokey. Above find the warden and Earl at the Prison Prom. Hey, if they can have a Hospital Prom- what can't they do??!

Of course my first favorite TV warden is still James Lipton from "Arrested Development." IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING.

Pee-wee's Gift to You!

2011-12-08T10:52:00.000-08:00

As a special Christmas gift to all his pals, Pee-wee Herman is streaming his Christmas special on his website for free! I'm guessing it's through the day itself, but who knows. Regardless! You should avail yourself of this opportunity!

Pee-wee's Playhouse Christmas Special is probably THE BEST Christmas special ever. Definitely the best "variety" special of all time. There are so many favorite parts, I simply can't count them!

So- I won't try. But I'll say: fruitcakes, Cher, and Grace Jones accidentally being delivered to the Playhouse in a huge wooden crate. (Okay, I guess I sort of tried- but there are so many more!) Countless guest stars (Oprah, Whoopi, Magic Johnson, Charro, Dinah Shore, et al) and your old compatriots Miss Yvonne, Cowboy Curtis, Cool Cat, Chicky Baby, and the Puppet Band.

*Have I mentioned how good this is and how you should watch it?

What People's?

2011-12-03T14:31:00.000-08:00

So I was innocently voting for the People's Choice Awards (you can too- HERE!), when I noticed a mistake in their nominations. When they came up with nominees for the People's Favorite Movie Icon- they forgot an entire gender existed! These aren't the Male Icons- these are the only icons. They couldn't come up with one woman? It must have taken them weeks to come up with Morgan Freeman.

Here are a few ladies that are deserving of at least being nominated for People's Icon! C'mon, at least a few of them are undeniable.

But, if they forgot the ladies in that category they must have tried to make up for it with Favorite Pop Star.

So if you want to exercise your rights as an American People- vote in these awards! Only one bit of advice- try and find some way to write in "Body of Proof" for People's Drama!

Happy Birthday Bette!

2011-12-01T14:03:00.000-08:00

Happy birthday to the person that each episode of Cliff and Kendall is secretly dedicated to: Bette Midler!

She's turning 66 today- 66??!? God! It seems like only yesterday she was 56! Mortality noooooooooooo . . . don't take Bette!!!! Let's age someone else okay?!?!?

Thing You Can Do

2011-11-30T15:43:00.000-08:00

(also file under "Thing You Can Do Instead of All the Things You Really, Really Should Be Doing-WTF Are You Thinking, Seriously!!!!")

You can watch Christmas episodes of things on Netflix (and probably other places!!) I just enjoyed the Christmas episode from season 1 of "My Name is Earl." Look how Merry Earl is!!!

There are plenty of other shows available to stream, and I know there are more Christmas episodes ripe for the watching! Off the top of my head: you can stream xmas carols from 30 Rock, Roseanne, Glee, The Office, The Wonder Years, and more!! So while there are other things you should be doing* why not merry up today instead!??!

*seriously, you dumb fat fucking moron- why are you doing this to yourself, why don't you get down to business????

Must We Eat Horses Now?

2011-11-30T08:20:00.000-08:00

Are we that hungry?!?!??! Blorch HERE.

If my friend Flicka and Black Beauty are today's special, WTF IS NEXT?!?!?

You Take the Good, You Take the Bad . . .

2011-11-21T08:32:00.001-08:00

Come darkness, come light . . . with the horrors of the world in full swing- grandmothers are being pepper sprayed for "Occupying" various places, the geniuses at NBC are trying to kill "Community," the sensitive artists in charge at ABC have launched an attack on "Cougar Town" and as scores of classy Americans/Nascar fans boo the first lady- we must also enjoy something good, actually Great we've been given:

A new Muppet movie!!! Seriously, America needs this you guys. If you're looking for a reason to believe in the future of mankind- look no further! And if you're gearing up for Wednesday, you may want to read THIS piece written by Whoopi Goldberg- a frequent Muppet guest star!

30 Rock Guest Stars Revealed!

2011-11-18T08:19:00.000-08:00

Never one to shy away from guest stars, "30 Rock" (who is not to blame for the "Community" kerfuffle) has announced two guest stars for season 6!

My favorite Flight of the Conchords fan Kristen Schaal is scheduled to appear in multiple episodes of the new season!! This is the best news I can imagine right now! Maybe she can slip Bret and Jemaine in with her? Murray?

And also coming to TGS- the always easy on the eyes James Marsden. Will he date Liz Lemon? Upstage Jack's handsomeness? Ask Jenna to pose as his lover to misdirect the public from his Japanese body pillow fetish?

New Show: Pass the Pie (Thanksgiving 2011)

2011-11-18T07:56:00.000-08:00

In the midst of sorrow, there are still good times to be had!

Let us pause to reflect upon that for which we are thankful. Belches, dingers, and Baaaad Jokes! (Our research data is unscientific). No matter what city (or couch) you're occupying- download our Thanksgiving show from itunes and blare that sucker!

We've got Bad Jokes, Things You Should Know About Thanksgiving, and a special anniversary edition of F.U.!!! Save some pie for us, and the turkey's all yours . . .

Tell NBC Not to Britta This!

2011-11-18T07:29:00.001-08:00

To show your support for the Greendale Human Beings:

*Please help SAVE COMMUNITY by SENDING IN EVIL BEARDS, POSTCARDS, LETTERS, PURPLE PENS, PAINTBALLS, &/OR ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT! A PETITION IS A GOOD IDEA BUT WHAT REALLY GETS THE MESSAGE ACROSS IS FLOODING THEM WITH MAIL!!*

ADDRESSES:

Steve Burke

CEO

30 Rockefeller Plaza

New York, NY 10112.

Robert Greenblatt

Chairman

3000 W. Alameda

Admin Building

Burbank, CA 91523

P.S. I do not deface Madonna lightly! This must be important!

Six Seasons and a Movie

2011-11-18T06:31:00.000-08:00

And suddenly we are in the darkest timeline!!! NBC in their infinite wisdom has shelved "Community" beginning in January! We know this is a cruel world indeed, when shows as in-your-face sucky as "Whitney" get full season pickups and in-your-face awesome shows like "Community" and Abed's beloved "Cougar Town" are constantly in jeopardy! Abed and I have told you how awesome "Cougar Town" is, right? At least it is scheduled to return in January!! (I think!)

Head to Twitter or Facebook and let the voice of righteous indignation be heard!! Is it not bad enough that the middle classes are disappearing, unemployment is off the charts, and now NBC is so STREETS BEHIND that this happens!?!?

Have faith and believe!! And if you need serious answers and a little bit of hope- read THIS article about the possible future of our favorite study group!

P.S. HOMIE DON'T DEAN THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Look Who is 31 Today!

2011-11-12T05:32:00.001-08:00

Can you BELIEVE Ryan Gosling is turning 31 today?!?!? How can he be almost a year older than Cliff and Kendall, while at the same time being at least 160 lbs lighter (than either of those flabbos)?

Oh well, nature moves in mysterious ways. (That's why U2 sang a song about it). But, I digress (and eat way too much). Ryan's the Hollywood star that's made us hot for drug addicted teacher in "Half Nelson" and hot for Driver in "Drive"- basically hot for whatever character he's been playing.

Happy Birthday Ryan! I'm sure you'll celebrate with 31 extra laps around something, but need I remind you that ALL 31st birthdays should be spent somewhere that has 31 flavors . . .

The Lord Giveth . . .

2011-11-09T13:34:00.000-08:00

And in life God shall smite you with bad news on the same day as good. It's in Revelations, people!!!!

First, the Good:

Eddie Murphy is OUT as Oscar host!!! If you listen back (and why wouldn't you?) to some episode this fall, I believe we broke this story during "Hot Subjects." And nary a one of us was in favor of it! Unless he'd done the whole show as Mama Klump, I would've just been longing for James Franco to come back and "stonedly" introduce a clip package celebrating the use of window treatments in cinema classics.

If they can't get the host of Food Networks Cupcake/Halloween Wars (above), I'd bring back Ellen or Steve Martin. Kendall would shout, "Billy Crystal!" And now for the Worse Than Bad!

The Duggars are again reproducing! This is REVOLTING. I know I'm Oprah now, and I don't like judging others. BUT. The Duggars are terrible people. This is baby number 20!!!! TWENTY!

T-W-E-N-T-Y.

That poor last baby was born with many health problems, and yet CONDOMS ARE OF SATAN.

The Devil also endorses:

Pulling out

The pill (the one Loretta Lynn sang about in the 1960's!!!!)

The tying of tubes for those stout, birthin' hipped Duggar ladies

Vasectomies for any male with the last name Duggar

Right wing nutjobs who defile the teachings of Christ,

especially those who WILL NOT STOP FUCKING

How CHUBBY Are You?

2011-11-06T09:16:00.000-08:00

Are you having trouble knowing whether you're overweight or not? If so, tune into the Fox network's "New Girl" starring Zooey Deschanel. In it, the offbeat titular character moves into an apartment with three "dudes." One of the dudes is "hot but vain", one is "black", and one (the one above) is "chubby." Yes America, this is chubby now!!

Now I admit, it was adorable when the New Girl described the flabby character's huge protruding gut as "where he stores his extra cookies." BUT then I had a good look at him and realized I'd have to have gastric bypass several times in order to achieve a pooch so slight as the one on the TV-Fatso. Why, I bet he eats upwards of 1,200 calories a day!

If the producers of "New Girl" are looking for a pair of dudes who maybe are about to die from morbid obesity, or maybe have grown into their sofas- let me suggest two HUGE DISGUSTING podcast hosts!!! (Pictured above in all their un-glory).

The Devil Made Him Suck It

2011-11-04T08:29:00.000-07:00

Click HERE to read an article about some sad gay "activists" who got a bee in their bedazzled bonnets when some holy man suggested that maybe THE DEVIL was to blame for dudes being into other dudes' disco sticks.

Why is this upsetting? It's TRUE!! LOOK at the Devil up there! You don't want to see what his brimstone tastes like? C'mon! No benevolent deity could create something so fiendishly HOT.

All I can say is- if it's true: HAIL SATAN.

Happy Birthday Roseanne!

2011-11-03T08:09:00.001-07:00

Today is the 59th birthday of my idol: Roseanne Barr! She's out there telling it like it is and like it should be! I hope I am half as awesome when I'm 59 (if I'm 59, which I probably will never be).

I hope she finds a way to bring her nuts to our homes and back to TV!

Tell the People

2011-11-03T07:57:00.001-07:00

Sometimes it is entirely appropriate to wear a t-shirt that eliminates any question as to how you really feel on the inside.

My Las Vegas Adventure

2011-10-27T20:30:00.000-07:00

The glitz! The glamour! The $8 bottles of water! That's what I'll always remember about my big time adventure in Las Vegas (or "Lost Wages" as the hilarious say).

A whole hour here and these are the things I saw.

Lights! I didn't mean to take this picture, but wow- even the ceilings in Vegas are architecturally stunning.

This is the only known photo of me in Las Vegas. Not counting security camera footage and possible photos of me in Vegas that may exist in alternate timelines.

Last time I was here (the airport- I've never been outside the airport in Las Vegas- do people do that?) I was behind Jared Leto in line for a burrito. NO KIDDING! He was like, "Are you one of those fat guys from that podcast?" And I was like, "Belch!" (Kidding this time).

Halloween How-To #3

2011-10-26T04:03:00.000-07:00

Take a little time to be scary every day! Halloween is so close, you can smell its slightly pumpkin scented rotten flesh! With so much time and so little to to do (strike that-reverse it) every spooky minute counts.

Here are a few things you can do to really feel Halloween before people start singing Turkey Carols.

1. Wear a terrifying shirt! The fatty above decided Elvira was a year round obsession, but many associate the Mistress of the Dark with Halloween- and rightfully so! So if you have a shirt with something slightly scary on it, or just an orange shirt, or just any shirt splattered with blood or pumpkin innards- put that sucker on and do the Halloween strut down your street, knowing that you are brightening everyone's holiday.

2. Eat 10,000 candy corns.

3. Carve a GD pumpkin. Or just any fruit! Or vegetable! Or mineral! There are still a few nights left to burn that sucker on your porch, balcony, or flame retardant kitchen table.

4. Eat lunch in a graveyard!

5. Listen to Hillbilly Willy 3: House of Demons on itunes, or right over there on the right! Also, take a terrifying trip down memory lane and listen back to HBW1 and 2. BOOO!

Halloween Is Here!

2011-10-22T08:08:00.000-07:00

This is penultimate weekend before Halloween! So that means if you've been sitting on your bloated, pumpkin-like ass and haven't watched "Hocus Pocus" yet- WTF are you waiting for!?!? A virgin to light a black flame candle?

And it's definitely Halloween on our show! This week you're invited to our Internet Halloween Party! Our new episode is up on itunes (and over to the right) for your partying pleasure. We've got scarily Bad Jokes, a scary movie version of R U Talkin' 2 Me?, and Halloween Hot Subjects!

Also up is the annual rebroadcast of "The Halloween of Hillbilly Willy"! Our original tale of 2 fat podcasters off for a relaxing autumn vacation, who meet up with a demon possessed pig farmer! Next week "Hillbilly Willy Returns" reruns (2 fat podcasters on a book tour meet up with a demon possessed pig farmer!), and the ALL NEW "Hillbilly Willy 3: House of Demons"! In this third installment, 2 fat podcasters get lost on their way to the airport . . . and you can probably guess the rest!

Better get to Halloweening! Only 9 days left!

Zac Efron's "Bubbly Birthday"

2011-10-20T11:30:00.000-07:00

So have you heard the global news!?!?!? Two days ago was Zac Efron's 24th birthday, and he was partying in a "club" the ways stars do on their birthdays, and he was given a gift!

The son of a Russian billionaire saw the celebrity partying and sent over a $100,000 bottle of champagne! Along with that bottle (which held nearly 150 glasses of "bubbly," he also sent over a slew of other assorted liquors. The kindly billionaire (and presumed High School Musical fanatic) also left the waitress a tip worth over $20,000! Clearly, I need to work in this club for two nights. Then my student loans would be gone! Plus: Zac Efron comes there!

Imagine if I worked there and bumped into Zac. I could ask him how he enjoyed peeing all over the unrinal cakes in the Men's Room. Cuz I'd have put them there! Imagine Zac Efron peeing all over something I put in the urinal! Plus: $20,000 tips!

Don't Jabba Yourself

2011-10-18T08:07:00.000-07:00

It may sound like a fun joke- to prank yourself into gaining 45 pounds before Halloween! We've all done it! You think you're doing okay, and then you surreptitiously binge several nights in a row. Before you know it, your love handles are hatefully huge, your man bosoms sag right into your Pumpkin Pie Milkshake, and then where have you gotten yourself?

You've turned into the fat demon from Buffy, when you meant to turn into Angel. If you had, you could have worn white sleeveless shirts for just ever, showing off those arms. Now your arms jiggle too much for human eyes.

And when you go out on Halloween in whatever costume you choose, you'll simply be mistaken for someone dressed as Jabba the Hutt in some other costume people can't place. (He was supposed to be Lindsay Lohan!)

And by Christmas? You'll be the walking equivalent of the Comic Book Store Guy. So, observe your right to STOP now. Eat some fruit or a GD vegetable. You'll thank me.

Halloween How-To #2

2011-10-15T14:59:00.000-07:00

If you have Netflix streaming or if you view Hulu, there are wonders of Halloween-ish things to watch.

Example: You can watch the entire series run of "The X-Files" on Netflix! And you know what that means: you can watch season 7's "Fight Club" episode starring David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, . . .

Yes! Our Lady of Broadcast Comedians!!

Double, double! Toil and trouble! It's TWO Griffins for the price of one! She's sisters everybody!

It's a one-two-knockout! Watching creepy things on Netflix= Happy Halloween.

Halloween How-To #1

2011-10-15T08:23:00.000-07:00

So I've decided, as a public service, to model how to enjoy the Halloween season for you. Not because you aren't capable of doing it! But because there were some inuit hut dwellers who heard our "Road Rage" episode, and they were like, "What's a road?"

So, here's "How-To #1"

All you really need to Have Yourself a Scary Little Halloween:

#1) Something scary, spooky, or specifically Halloween themed to watch or listen to.*

#2) A pumpkin, a large patch of the color orange, or at least some fucking candle light.

Also encouraged, but not mandatory: pumpkin candle, candy, orange light bulb, copy of the Necronomicon

Example:

Right now I'm watching "Scream 4," there are pumpkins all up in my field of vision, and a candle is aflame.

Related: Things "Scream 4" has going for it:

#1) My favorite member of the "Cougar Town" Cul-de-sac Crew! Courtney Cox!

#2) Annie from "Community"

#3) a Culkin

#4) It's as least as good as the 4th installment of any other scary franchise. Plus: Courtney Cox!!

and if I was sleazy, I'd say #5) Cute boys (I said IF!!)

How easy it is for us all to have a Happy Halloween!!

*Like a Halloween themed podcast, or Elvira's Gravest Hits

New Show: Witches, the Wonderful World of

2011-10-15T07:29:00.000-07:00

Halloween has officially arrived on our show! We're talking Witchy Women this week during your Magic Time!

Find out Kendall's strange psychological feelings toward old women who stand around candles, hear fascinating witch chatter, and so much more! We've got Things You Should Know About Witches, a Witchy Would You Rather, and Jokes so Bad they must've been hexed by a . . . WITCH! Up now on itunes and in our media player over and up on the right!

Cher Makes It All Better

2011-10-15T07:05:00.000-07:00

Look I made a "Meme" for you! "What is a Meme?" you ask. Click HERE and find out! If you already know- enjoy! (You'll feel better if you think of Oscar winner Cher, by the way.)

Next time you're very angry, think of Cher! Think of her up on that Navy boat singing to sailors, think of her singing into a robot microphone for Believe, think of her slapping Nicolas Cage and telling him to "Snap out of it!" Think of her wearing the feathers of 10,000 birds as Half Breed, think of her gypsy Mama dancing for all the money they'd throw, think of her extolling the virtues of haircare products!!! Any thought of Cher will raise your spirits!!*

*These claims have not been verified by the FCC, FDA, or FFA. But they're probably true.

Orangest Hallowe'en E'r!!!

2011-10-13T16:06:00.000-07:00

I was in this store yesterday- a store I passed so many times- and I had these hours to kill, and so I went there. And the best part? I bought an orange light bulb!!!!

Now this Halloween will be nothing if not Halloween colored!!! It's the only light on, and the computer is right below it (imagine where you think it'd be on the desk above and below!) And I swear to almighty Halloween Satan that only the tips of my fat typing fingers are NOT orange!!! It's a powerful motherfucking orange light!!

If you'd like to know the brand you're welcome to zoom in and crop the photo above and try and read it. The empty box is on the desk. I included this flash photo to show how truly powerful the orange light still is- even in the face of the flash!! EVEN IN THE FACE OF THE FLASH!!!

I'll Try

2011-10-13T10:24:00.001-07:00

The ultimate goal!

Halloween on the Internet

2011-10-12T13:23:00.000-07:00

It's Halloween everywhere- even on the World Wide Web! And one of my favorite Halloween Haunts online is over HERE. It's a great site all year round, but really comes alive during Halloween and the Christmas season.

Anyone who loves holidays the way Kendall and I do will surely enjoy the Halloween countdown that's happening until 10/31. Almost every day there's a post about something spookily seasonal that will help you feel more "in the spirit." So far they've discussed Halloween Cap'n Crunch, old weird decorations, old weird masks, and surprisingly on-topic Transformers cupcakes.

It's nice to find someone else who shares your obsessions. Happy Halloween!

Author of "Guns in Bars" Bill Arrested

2011-10-12T13:06:00.000-07:00

HOT SUBJECT: Short version of the story: a member of the TN legislature introduced a bill that would make it legal to carry a gun into a bar. Regular rules of carrying a gun apply, but sure- why not have a few belts and then decide what to shoot? All kidding aside, the reasoning behind this bill was- what if you are attacked outside a bar!?! The thieves know you can't blow their ass away, the way you would if they tried to mug you, carjack you, etc. anywhere else.

I'm pretty sure this bill did not pass (but can't be bothered to Google it). Anyway, the rest of the story (with my own personal judgments removed): The chief sponsor of this bill was arrested recently. For a DUI. With an illegal gun in his possession. (Technically, I think the gun he was carrying was illegal due to his intoxication, which sounded pretty heavy). Just gonna let you do with this information what you will.

Click HERE to read all about it! And to see the mug shot, which is almost Nick Nolte-level.

Hope For Old Age

2011-10-10T07:56:00.000-07:00

It seems like only ten years ago so many of my favorite stars were in their fifties. And now THIS article extols the virtues of famous folks in their sixties!

Now- I truly don't know what I'll do when, in ten more years, so many of my favorite stars will be in their seventies! I'll probably be dead though, so who cares. Hope for tomorrow, guys!

New Show: Ways to Die!

2011-10-07T07:20:00.000-07:00

Coming out later today is our brand new episode- Ways to Die! We're covering every way to "kick the bucket," "buy the farm," or even "swallow the rye"! What are the best ways to go, the worst ways to go, the middlest ways to go?

We've also got Jokes so Bad- you'll wish you were dead!! And Weird News, and oh lord Stooopid Questions!!!

Study Question: Why is it impossible for Cliff and Kendall to get a fair trial?

Halloween with Cliff and Kendall

2011-10-05T14:04:00.000-07:00

So if you are worried that you won't be able to do even one Halloween-y thing this year- FEAR NOT!!! We are gonna give you so many opportunities to do at least one Halloween-y thing repeatedly! What is that one Halloween-y thing?

Listen to a Halloween themed podcast of course!!! While eating 1,000's of miniature candy bars? That's up to you!

Hillbilly Willy 1, 2, and the all new THREE will be coming out this month along with two other new Halloween shows! But in case you are unemployed, seasonally depressed, serving 20 to life (or all three) look below. You can revisit Halloween shows of the past!

Episode 150 - Too Late for Zombies?

Episode 151 - Halloween Party on the Internet

Click on the episode title to listen or download.

Zac's Future Plans

2011-10-05T07:47:00.000-07:00

No!! This is not a photo of me meeting Zac Efron! Although he is wearing pants that might better fit myself or Kendall. Ah who am I kidding? We'd explode out of 'em. :(

And no, this is not exclusively a Zac Efron Fansite! BUT- my last post had me wondering what Zac Efron's got up his sleeve in terms of future roles (if he's wearing sleeves, which- let's hope he's not.)

In addition to the very real projects I mentioned in post below this one, he's also appearing in a film called "The Paperboy" about a reporter reporting about a death row inmate. Not sure of his part, but Nicole Kidman and Matthew McConaughey also star. And if Zac's arm muscles are starring in a movie with Nicole Kidman looking like that- I'm buying a ticket!

Also, IMDB says a movie called "Liberal Arts" is in post-production. This one was written and directed by (and stars) a guy from "How I Met Your Mother" that isn't Neil Patrick Harris or Jason Segel. I couldn't find a picture from that set, but if Zac's wardrobe is similar to this outfit that he wears to fuckin' Starbucks- I'll hit the theater for this one too.

Zac Efron Hypothesis!

2011-10-05T07:17:00.000-07:00

In the classic movie "Soapdish," Sally Field plays the star of a daytime drama who occasionally gets a little needy for some love and adoration from her fans. So, when she needs a boost- her unfamous friend (Whoopi) takes her on a trip to the Paramus mall in New Jersey. There, Whoopi pretends to be a gushing fan, which incites other, realer gushing fans to come forth. And soon Sally Field's character is free to bask in the love of her fans, while giving out autographs and kissing babies, etc.

I think Zac Efron does something similar. When he feels down, or eats a whole rice cake instead of his daily allotment of 1/16th of a rice cake and feels fat- he goes to the beach! The beach where he can nonchalantly doff his shirt, where fans rush to look at his abs, where camera phones jump from bags and into the hands of whomever else is on the beach in order to take a pic of his abs. (Or any other rock-solid body part on display).*

And sometimes he brings friends! I think the friends come along when he's especially down about the box office returns of "Charlie St. Cloud," or he's bummed because the release date of whatever Nicolas Sparks movie he just wrapped got bumped until spring. The friends are there because the fans will say things like, "Who are these other lesser hot guys? Did they sing Bet On It in HSM2?-Nope!" "Wow- are those abs real? Are your pecs molded from Quikrete?" "Oh Zac, you have the best beach bod! These other fools pale in comparison!"

What career move do you think Zac should make next? We cannot let his beauty languish in ensemble comedies about New Year's Eve, Nicolas Sparks movies, or in movies about how his farmer dad don't be likin' his race car drivin' career! (These are his next movies!!! Eek!)

*or maybe he just really likes the beach?

There's Room For All in Cougar Town

2011-10-05T06:34:00.000-07:00

Hey guys! Jake is moving to C-Town with me!

I hate these invasive paparazzi shots, but I had to share proof! While Jake may not be moving into the Cul-de-Sac just yet- can a guest spot be far behind?!? Here he is out with Laurie (or if you prefer, Busy Philipps). Let me guess- they each had a huge glass of wine!!! Let me hope!!!

For the uninitiated, Laurie is Jules' (Courtney Cox) best friend/employee on the big C. And I don't mean "The Big C"- I mean "Cougar Town"!! C-Town is a hilarious show- returning in November or January (Abed and I have our fingers crossed for next month!). And just to let you know, to dispel any myths: Courtney Cox was a cougar for the first 4 episodes and the subsequent 40 episodes have primarily been about she and her friends/neighbors drinking. It's been called the 'most pro-alcohol show on TV!' What else do you need to know?

I hear they are changing the title (which everyone who watches, stars on, or makes the show agrees is bad, bad, bad.) Although! If this Goldie Hawn HBO series "The Viagra Diaries" ever airs- it will handily steal the crown for the most horribly titled show on television. But whatever- C'mon ABC, slap out of it and bring back our Floridian Friends!!!

You Can't Handle the Bluths!

2011-10-04T06:44:00.000-07:00

In wonderful news- "Arrested Development" is going to be turned into a movie after all! In better than wonderful news- "Arrested Development" is also returning to TV with new episodes to run in advance of the movie!!! Click HERE to read all about it!

One blurb purports that the new (9 or 10) episodes will each deal with a single Bluth family member and catch us up on where they've been for the last five years. Oh where has Mrs. Featherbottom been? What about Franklin? C'mon- all together now, "It ain't easy bein' white . . ."

The climate in "Hollyweird" today is better than ever for folks who dream that their favorite old show will return in some form. Shows are now just as likely to return from the dead as they are to stay buried. Whether they be shows that went off the air of their own free will ("Sex and the City," "The X-Files") or shows that were cancelled and then clawed their way back ("Family Guy," "Futurama"). Proving it can happen to any show, even "Seinfeld" sort of returned, via a season-long arc on "Curb Your Enthusiasm."

What shows would I most like to hear more from? Glad you asked!! My ultimate fantasy would be if the long-rumored "Strangers with Candy" Christmas movie was ever made. Not holding my breath though. That show already came back once with a movie version that did the opposite of fill multi-plexes. But dreams, especially Christmas dreams, never really die. Not if they live in the hearts of those that truly believe. And I do believe there will be a "Sex and the City 3." I do, I do, I do . . .

Most other shows I might like to see revived would require voodoo, black magic, or some seriously dark arts to raise the dead. And as kick-ass as a zombie Bea Arthur would be- it'd be too disrespectful.

**I never noticed before, but look at Mrs. F's and Franklin's shirts! Bush/Cheney 2000 and "George Bush Doesn't Care About Black Puppets"! I love this show!!

My Life Now

2011-10-03T19:18:00.001-07:00

Round and round in the circle game . . .

Material Bowl

2011-10-03T12:12:00.000-07:00

For the first time since Cher sang the national anthem at 1999's Super Bowl, gay Americans may have a reason to tune in!! According to THIS article- Madonna has been signed to perform the half-time show!

It will be surreal for Kendall, knowing that I'm also tuned into the Super Bowl! Although, let's get real- I'm watching Madonna and then switching the station. Screw "watching it for the commercials"- fuck commercials.

Also- don't forget to download our Road Rage episode from itunes! And coming this Friday, it's Episode 206: Ways to Die!!

"Office A-Ha Moment"

2011-10-01T18:32:00.000-07:00

So I was innocently watching "The Office" this week and suddenly a Sabre printer blew up over my head. Heretofore I had experienced complete disequilibrium when I thought of "The Office" and its legacy. My mind couldn't make sense of how the show could go on- minus the effin' STAR OF THE SHOW. But! As I sank into this week's episode-the 2nd in new boss Andy's regime-it hit me!

"The Office" will no longer be thought of as 100% great. Shows like "Seinfeld" or "I Love Lucy" were pretty excellent throughout their runs. And it took me this long to see that our beloved Dunder Mifflin employees now belong to another club. Not a bad club- indeed some of the greatest shows ever belong to it- but a different club.

There is a line in a Toby Keith (!) song on country radio right now that goes: I ain't as good as I once was . . . And that's what I'll call the different club. Not that the shows got terrible or unwatchable- just not as good as they once was. Members of this club include:

"Designing Women" featured a somewhat similar shift from really good to meh when stars Delta Burke and Jean Smart left. The new designers never really measured up.

"Roseanne" went downhill when our working class heroes won the lottery.

When "The Simpsons" (I hate to use the phrase 'jumped the shark'-but what else fits?) depends on who you ask- look in your heart and you'll know.

BUT!!! A-Ha moment conclusion: The upside is even if the show's evolutions leave you sour enough to eventually stop watching, oftentimes in syndication these second tier episodes grow on you. You've seen all the "best ones" over and over and so you relent and watch. And they ain't half bad! I began to appreciate Jan Hooks, Julia Duffy, and whoever played B.J. when "Designing Women" ran late on Nick at Nite. Similar situation with "Roseanne"- and well, I still like "The Simpsons." Will there ever be another Monorail-level episode? Doubt it- but who could ask for more than one?

And so I think the same will go for "The Office." Now that I have the correct mindset, I think I can handle Andy's managerial status (as they really seem to be sticking with that decision-really guys?)

Thus endeth this treatise on whatever it was I was writing about.

BREAKING NEWS

2011-10-01T07:11:00.001-07:00

More Black Pants!

Oscar This Woman!

2011-09-28T20:36:00.000-07:00

What woman you ask?!?! Why Erin Benach of course! The costume designer for "Drive" the new movie about driving featuring Ryan Gosling! It's actually a great movie full of great things, but yes the #1 great thing: Ryan Gosling's driving outfit! Let's take a look.

Black pants!

White shirt-Black pants!!

Driving gloves!!! Awesome jacket!!!

The soundtrack cover features a shot of the gold scorpion on the back of the jacket. I hate to be the guy who describes things as "bad-ass," but there truly is no other phrase that could describe this look on Ryan Gosling's complicated character of few words.

Shut down your computer this second! Ryan Gosling is wearing this Right Now at a Multi-Plex near you!!! And remember Oscar voters (many of whom read this blog religiously!) the costume designer worthy of gold this year: Erin Benach!

Our Invitation Was . . .

2011-09-28T15:05:00.000-07:00

Lost in the mail? WE GUESS! Anyway- yours probably was too. Recently Kathy Griffin had a game night at her house and she invited a cavalcade of celebrities and some random "hot dudes."

But no Cliff and Kendall in site!! A list of the notable non-Cliff and Kendall's in attendance:

LANCE BASS

CHRIS PRATT

CHRIS COLFER

LAUREN ZIZES

Frankenstein's Moon

2011-09-27T10:20:00.000-07:00

Did you know scientists have long doubted Mary Shelley's account of what drove her to write the novel "Frankenstein"? Why do scientists give a shit? I don't know- but click HERE and read all bout it!

Apparently, other scientists are now disputing this! They agree that maybe MS was awakened in the night by a shining full moon and then she wrote that book. Although, I thought she was dared to write the book? Who knows? Who cares? I read that book in 8th grade and hated it so violently that I actually burned it after the class was over. I BURNED it. True story.

I was in 8th grade- my brain wasn't fully formed. I still like Frankenstein (the movie monster) though!

OMG NO- There is a "Toe-Suck Fairy"

2011-09-27T07:32:00.001-07:00

Please read THIS. It is far too disturbing to be fiction! It's about the "Toe-Suck Fairy"! This makes the "Barefoot Bandit" seem almost quaint! It also reminds me of Divine's son in "Polyester"- although instead of going around sucking the toes of unsuspecting elderly ladies- he stomped 'em.

WHY????

Vocabulary 101

2011-09-27T06:24:00.000-07:00

When I turned 29 Kendall told me what he liked most about me was my grammar. So keeping that in mind, and as a service to our readers, let me define a word for you. (Even though defining words has little to nothing to do with grammar.)

I was "somewhere" yesterday and there was a loud lady who boldly, proudly declared she had never heard the word chagrin before. She pronounced it ch-argin (with the "ch" like the "ch" in chocolate). Words! They are tricky- and if we've never encountered a word there's no shame. But there's also no pride. So for all those loud ladies out there:

cha·grin/SHəˈgrin/

Noun: Distress or embarrassment at having

failed or been humiliated.

Verb: Feel distressed or humiliated.

Example Sentences:

Surprisingly, she was not chagrined by her total lack of knowledge.

Much to the loud lady's chagrin, no one in the room sympathized with her.

Now you are so much smarter!!

►

Top of the Muffin TO YOU!!

2011-09-24T16:04:00.001-07:00

I wanted to make a post about this muffin top situation I have going on around my equator- BUT! I did what I always do, and I checked with the FBI and they said the photo of my real life muffin top/love handles (speaking of waves like a river) was too disturbing to Americans and so . . .

Imagine that muffin up there- my jeans are the paper cup (only much, much tighter) and the fat bags hangin' from my gut are the delicious chocolate chip muffin/cupcake whatever it is. ONLY WAY WORSE.

Oh- our lives here on Earth are just a parentheses in the middle of the sentence that is our existence. I know this- and yet- my muffin top still bothers me. I am only human. For now.

You know who does NOT have a muffin top?

Blaine.

In Response to Your Letter . . .

2011-09-24T11:11:00.000-07:00

[Post received 9, 24, 11]

"Dear Blog Poster,

What did you think of this week's season premieres?

Just whatever shows you feel like blahhing about.

Thanks,

Sincere Listener/Blog Reader"

Dear Listener/Reader,

I'm so glad you asked!! I did just finish watching the "Community" season premiere, like two seconds ago! And fear not- it was not unweird at all! They're back in great form and oh yeah- Homie don't dean this!!

As for this week's Michael Scott-less "The Office" . . . the jury I keep stored in my chest cavity that makes decisions like this for me is still out. I still have an affection for Jim, Pam, Dwight and a few others- but I do not like Andy as the manager. What got him there? His terrible sales record? I was conflicted- enjoyed parts, but for half the time I seriously wished they'd gone off the air last season. Hmm . . . only time will tell? That's a saying, right?

"Parks and Recreation" you ask? Oh- it was great! I kind of forgot already what happened with Leslie and Ben, but yeah- great as per usual! I am so excited that Andy is now . . . oh you didn't see it yet? Okay.

But what about "Modern Family"?? Hold on, I'll get to that. First- "Glee"! I cannot handle all the drama!! Sam's gone, Lauren Zisces has pretty much left us- upheaval! And we have barely even met any of the newbs still to be foisted upon us! I do love me some Rachel, Finn, Kurt, and oh yes BLAINE. He makes it all better. He better be a senior though, so he can spin off with Kurt and Rachel!

Okay- "Modern Family"- both episodes were great! What did you expect? I'm not on board with them hogging the Emmys, but Phil is much deserving and Gloria was killin' it!

Hope this answers your question "Listener" and feel free to write back anytime!

Yours,

Blog Poster

Guess Who is Still Alive?

2011-09-24T11:07:00.000-07:00

Cliff and Kendall, who ARE NOT DEAD, carry on breathing (or more specifically: wheezing) each and every day. If you listened to the show, you'd know one of us is now 30. Both are still morbidly obese!!!

And if you like hearing fat people's jowls flap as they tell bad jokes- give a "hear" to this week's episode. We salute the whole season of autumn!! Has anyone ever done that before!?!? Didn't think so!!

Carry on, my wayward sons and daughter- there'll be peace when you are done.

Food Alert #2

2011-09-05T07:04:00.000-07:00

TAKE HEED

did I spell that right? Anyway- I speak as someone who knows!!!!!!!

Olean chips, when eaten in the massive quantities that a person who looks so like Jabba the Hutt is known for, they give you some diarrhea!! Some stomach pain! And did I mention the hershey squirts? In moderate amounts (the individual bags at Subway- perfectly fine), but by the bushel?

This is a personal, Jabba the Hutt testimonial, and maybe your bowels are different. But I was shitting in the movie theater on Saturday. I mean in the outer space . . . eh, whatever.

Celebrity Birthdays!

2011-09-05T06:58:00.000-07:00

Two of today's hottest celebrities have a birthday today!! That's right Bob Newhart and Michael Keaton were both born today!!!

And Bob is 82, and Michael is the big Six-Oh! Two awesome dudes that are MUCH older than me! For anyone who might be turning a big year older this year, say thirty or something, this would be very inspirational! Of course such a person would probably be in such food pain from last night, nay the last three nights, to really feel anything- but maybe!

Happy Birthday Bob and Michael two people whose work I've enjoyed!

Food Alert #1

2011-09-05T06:50:00.000-07:00

Beware if you find yourself in a gas station looking for a "healthy" snack. I know you can't believe someone who bares such a striking resemblance to Jabba the Hutt is typing the word HEALTHY.

Anyway- Fig Newton snack pack has two Newtons in it about the length of a pinky finger. Here's the BEWARE part!! There's a regular and low fat newton pack- AND the nutrition facts are confusing! The low fat pack has TWO SERVINGS in the snack pack and the regular has but ONE! And they're the same size!!

It seemed so important when I began this post!

2011-09-02T12:23:00.001-07:00

Is it too early? I saw him and just couldn't resist.

Coming Soon: More Things

2011-08-30T07:47:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of postings as of late- I'm waiting for August to be over because I hate it. (If you reference last year's August Awareness Month show, you'll know it to be true!)

Anyway, as a consolation, here's a picture Mr. Snodbottom snapped of Tyler during our landmark 200th episode. I think this was somewhere around the second clip package. And if you haven't had the joy of hearing this Milestone of a show- what are you waiting for? September?

Punky Power!

2011-08-17T07:44:00.000-07:00

I've been watching numerous episodes of "Punky Brewster" on Youtube, and have had so many A-ha moments while doing so!

First, I was shocked to find a proto-Cliff and Kendall in Punky's obese cousin Louise. She was a wisecracking fatso that never let a minute go by without a self deprecating fat joke. (Sound familiar?) She even arrived in a canary yellow sweat suit that shouted "I Brake For Donuts."**

But of course after a few life lessons in "Punky Power" she resolved to shed the weight! (And she did, in an epilogue Louise returned newly slimmed down). "What is Punky Power?" I hear you asking. Well, Punky describes it as Believing in yourself, never giving up, having faith that things will turn out okay, and knowing you can do anything you want if you really try. I wish you Punky Power today! Of course if YOU use it, you can insert your own name. Fat cousin Louise used "Louise Power" to shed pounds, for instance.

Another A-ha moment occurred when I saw an episode entitled "Reading, Writing, and Rock'n Roll." In this episode Punky was forced to sit out a rock concert by the Pop-Gods DeBarge and made to write a book report instead. Through a believable series of events, Henry (Punky's adoptive father) impersonates a rock journalist and gets into DeBarge's backstage area and convinces the guys in the group to drop by and teach Punky a lesson about the joys of reading. It was an A-ha moment when I realized Henry had used "Henry Power" and reached his goal of instilling a love of reading in Punky, by way of having pop royalty drop by.

They also drop a cassette into the stereo and lip-synch a few numbers for Punky who had to miss the show, but is now reading one of the group's favorite books: Tom Sawyer. And this blond guy is named Chico. From what I can tell he's not really in DeBarge, but just kind of comes on the side like a dinner roll. And he dressed like that. And people accepted his heterosexuality. (He has five children! And was stabbed in 2003, but is very alive). It was the 80's.

See, even Henry was won over and became a huge DeBarge fan! Punky Power to all!!! If you feel like revisiting Punky, start with THIS episode. It's the one where she gets boobs!!

**really.

Quote of the Day!!

2011-08-10T08:18:00.000-07:00

Do not anticipate trouble,

or worry about what may never happen.

Keep in the sunlight.

-Benjamin Franklin

100 Years Ago Today!

2011-08-06T06:34:00.001-07:00

The world's most famous redhead was born! Lucille Ball's 100th birthday is today, and in case you need a primer on her importance click HERE.

Oh so many years later, and we still Love Lucy!

New Show: Salute to Air Conditioning!

2011-08-05T16:18:00.001-07:00

In the grand tradition of our grand "Salutes" to the Elderly, Cats, and Dogs (and more?) we now turn our eyes to the "coolest" possible contraption: the Air Conditioner!!

Whether you're face down on the AC grate or planted on your fat ass in front of a wall unit, we've got you cooled and covered! With frosty Bad Jokes**, Songs You (Really) Should Know, and Kendall's Stupidest Questions yet!!!

In the heat of the summer, where better to be? And of course, who better to bring it to you?

**Including Blonde Jokes!

Happy 70th Martha!

2011-08-03T11:20:00.000-07:00

Today is Martha Stewart's 70th birthday! Did you know that? How could you not?

Click HERE to read some interesting facts about he Domestic Doyenne. A few tidbits:

· Her French bulldog, Francesca, is named after a prison friend.

· Martha once pitched a TV show about "rehabilitating errant women while they rehabilitated a house; a fixer-upper was bought in Norwalk." It never happened.

· Martha "insisted on personally approving every one" of the 3,000 items licensed through Macy's. According to her head of merchandising, at one meeting "Martha walked in with a pot, slammed it on the table, and goes,'This is crap. I don’t want my name on it.'"

Good for you, Martha!! If people didn't go around attaching their names to crappy products, this world would be a better place! (Of course, there'd likely be no 'Cliff and Kendall' . . .)

Twitter Search

2011-07-31T17:57:00.000-07:00

For those who haven't had the joyful experience of following Cliff and Kendall on Twitter, this will be news to you! If you search for Cliff and Kendall, these are your results:

Cliff and Kendall

Some weirdo named Cliff Kendall

A Christian/Husband/Father named Cliff Kendall

OPRAH WINFREY

Lee Merriwether (Catwoman!)

You know what this proves? God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Good News, Fellow Fatsos!

2011-07-28T07:27:00.000-07:00

There's a new trend in food production: extremely low calorie foods! This means you can eat a gut-bursting American style portion and Not Feel Guilty!

Read more HERE. Some foods discussed include Arctic Zero ice creams which have 150 calories per pint! Now, I have eaten this (available at Whole Foods) and I must say it's a bit like eating really cold, lightly flavored air- BUT you can eat the whole damn thing!

Another option is Tofu noodles (often found in the produce section with the veggie meats). These bags of noodles have only 40 calories for the whole bag! And as an Obese American- I eat them all! They have the same texture as noodles, but no real taste to them (do real noodles have much taste?). You have to rinse them off before cooking (they smell like tofu) but then season, supplement with sauce or vegetables, and enjoy for a guilt free meal!

And then wash all of it down with a cool Budweiser 55 (or even an MGD 64) and you'll come in with fewer calories than if you'd eaten one burger from McDonald's. Binge on, my fellow Americans!

Halloween Dreamin'

2011-07-24T14:19:00.000-07:00

As I looked over THIS photo gallery of people in elaborate costumes at Comic-Con, I began to wonder what I should wear for Halloween!! It's only 3 months away!

Now, obviously I could never be as good of a Super Woman as the lady above, but what should I be? There are so many sides to me, I could be an astronaut, a robot, a hobo, a clown, or an alien creature going out on the town. BUT . . . the best ideas I came up with are:

A) Judge: costume consists of a large black robe, nice shoes, powdery white wig, gavel

B) Cool Surfer Dude: costume consists of small swim trunks, rubber necklace? and possibly zinc oxide for my nose

C) Other: ????

Help me decide! Which will I look best in?!?!

They'll Never Stop "The Simpsons"

2011-07-24T14:05:00.000-07:00

Thank GOD! There is one vestige of my childhood still on the air: The Simpsons! And with the annual pop culture/nerdlinger festival in San Diego- the show's producers were recently chatting about the upcoming 23rd season and distant future. Click HERE to read 10 new things about the Universe's favorite yellow family.

A few noteworthy notes:

- this year's Christmas episode travels 30 years into the future! Imagine Bart at 40!

- Tim and Eric (another hilarious and overweight duo) are guest stars in the upcoming season

- you can vote HERE to decide whether Edna Krabbapel and Ned Flanders should become a permanent couple

- there will be (a whole episode?) devoted to the 1,000+ year life of Moe's bar rag

There's still life in the old girl yet!

Feeling Young?

2011-07-22T11:46:00.000-07:00

Feeling young??? Then click HERE! It's a nicely compiled list of 100 things your children will never know existed! Or will read about only in 9th grade history (when they study ancient lands).

A few examples:

1. Inserting a VHS tape into a VCR to watch a movie or to record something.

15. 3-D movies meaning red-and-green glasses.

19. The scream of a modem connecting.

39. Doing bank business only when the bank is open.

58. Putting film in your camera: 35mm may have some life still, but what about APS or disk?

78. Neat handwriting.

96. Libraries as a place to get books rather than a place to use the internet.

NOW, GET OFF MY LAWN!!!!!!!!

Lady GaGa on Howard Stern

2011-07-22T10:14:00.000-07:00

If you've got an hour and a half to kill, why not settle down with a nice cup of liquid and enjoy THIS clip from the Howard Stern radio show. It's Lady GaGa's long awaited sit-down with the King of Crude!

It's actually pretty great hearing LG talk so candidly about pretty much everything. She's just like Cliff and Kendall- AN ARTIST! She (and we) care not for the money! We do it for the love of our fans!!!! Our SO MANY fans!! There really are just too many to count! I choose to believe I couldn't count them if I tried!

She also plays some great acoustic versions of The Edge of Glory and Hair from her new album. If you've got 88+ minutes, or some portion thereof, why not listen? Ask yourself, "Why not?"

He Needs to Be More Naked

2011-07-19T10:23:00.000-07:00

I would never ever watch "Two and a Half Men" (willingly) unless Ashton Kutcher was naked on the show itself. I admit they've sparked my interest with this ad. Once you get over Jon Crier (sic?) being 60 and that kid being a little too much of a "Cliff and Kendall" to be naked in an ad, that is.

But seriously CBS, if you want me to watch: call the producers of "NYPD Blue"- there was a show that knew about nudity!! They had Dennis Franz in a shower scene!! (Although he's too much of a "Cliff and Kendall" to be in the shower).

Same Person Alert?

2011-07-15T17:32:00.000-07:00

Up top fill your eyes with this! Logan Lerman ("Percy Jackson" and the upcoming "Three Musketeers") and Laura Linney ("The Savages" and TV's "The Big C") bare a striking resemblance!! More than just a striking resemblance? You be the judge!!

At any rate- Hollywood casting directors: Here's your next superstar mother/son duo!

Roseanne on Letterman (with Reege!)

2011-07-14T07:00:00.000-07:00

Click HERE to watch Roseanne's appearance on David Letterman's show from earlier this week. She's hilarious, and I am so pumped to watch her new show!

As she sat down, Dave mentioned that she looks like a psychic. She does, right? She probably is! At any rate, soothsayer or nay, she's her super-funny self and I can only hope her new show is around for years to come!

In the interview she tells Dave (and Regis, the evening's co-host) about her nut farm on the big island of Hawaii. The island is filled with old hippies, she says! Maybe Tyler and I should box up all my fiber bars and his Grateful Dead mp3s and move there?

Something, something Tyler's nuts.

"Roseanne's Nuts" the new reality show airs on Lifetime!

SPIN! SPIN! SPIN!

2011-07-14T06:17:00.000-07:00

As we've heard "Glee" has plans in store to rip our hearts out: they're "graduating" most of our beloved cast at the end of season 3!! Rachel, Finn, KURT, and presumably Quinn, Puck, and I would guess Blaine! How the hell would he stay around when Kurt's gone? He doesn't even go to the same school!

BUT, according to THIS brief article- there could be hope yet! Now I would have them all fail some classes and repeat a few grades (since they never seem to do anything in school other than hang out and sing in the rehearsal room). But, there is a tiny, minuscule chance that there could be a . . . SPIN-OFF!

Yes, in the grand tradition of "Rhoda," "Gomer Pyle USMC," "Maude," and "The Alan Program" some of our beloved songbirds might get their own show! The article mentions a possible show about Kurt and Rachel (and some other "artists") that've moved to New York to start careers! And surely Blaine could stowaway and be there too!

Think of them hailing cabs, waiting tables, performing in off-off-off-off-Broadway shows, running into Patti LuPone every few weeks or so . . . genius!

Chant with me: Spin-off! Spin-off! Spin-off!

What a Wonderful World

2011-07-13T08:31:00.001-07:00

Cliff and Kendall are influencing the world!!! Just look at the top 10 things trending on Yahoo! No, I don't give a shit about debt ceilings! And who the fuck is Bree Boyce? WHO CARES!?!?

OPRAH-JAKE-ROSEANNE-FRANCO!

Have a scroll down the blog and you will see so many of their faces! And I don't go a day without trying to Oprah-fy myself! (Especially since, as you'll hear on this week's show, I'm a talk show host with a supporting roll in an independent film!)

Maybe today will be great?

**UPDATE: Turns out Bree Boyce is a beauty queen who lost 110 pounds and has written (no kidding) a book about OBESITY! Another score for Cliff and Kendall!**

We All Need More James Franco

2011-07-11T15:52:00.000-07:00

At least I do! Click HERE to read a great interview he did with Playboy magazine. He talks about the Oscars (I thought he was great!), the upcoming "Rise of the Planet of the Apes," and more!

What I love most about James Franco is his enormous talent and also how hot he is. BUT I also admire him because he truly is an artist- just like Cliff and Kendall!

Barefoot Bandit: The Movie!

2011-07-11T08:48:00.000-07:00

One year ago today the Feds (or somebody) caught the dude known as The Barefoot Bandit. I don't know why he never wore shoes and I also don't know why he stole the things he did (plane, boat, etc) but he's got lots of charges against him.

BUT- he was very young! Like 20 or less. Maybe 21. He hid on an island! And he's interested in book and movie deals in order to make restitution to his victims.

(I didn't even make this! Someone else had the same idea- that's the real dude on the left!)

And I just have one suggestion as to whom might have been born to play the role! (See above and below). The only problem is that the real bandit's super tall and Zac Efron is maybe a whole foot shorter. So hopefully 20th Century Fox has plenty of apple boxes!

Catch Him If You Can!

All NEW Weight Loss Tips!

2011-07-11T08:34:00.001-07:00

Are there really any NEW tips to losing weight? Other than pretending there aren't TWO ice cream places within one mile of your house? And shutting your fucking yap instead of piling empty calories into it as quickly as possible- as though you're trying to protect gold from the Nazis?

Yahoo seems to think so! HERE are some weight loss tips from their e-experts. A few ways to decrease your ass: Drink ONLY herbal tea and water! Eat with chopsticks! Add cinnamon to everything!!

If you do these things (and the others) you'll probably look like . . .

Big TV Week!

2011-07-11T05:40:00.000-07:00

It's a happening week on TV here in the middle of this boiling summer!

Tonight on Discovery we've got my husband Jake Gyllenhaal on "Man Vs. Wild"- where he eats worms and . . . bathes in streams? (Fingers Crossed)

And then on Wednesday the 13th we must all tune in to see "Roseanne's Nuts" on Lifetime! It's the Domestic Goddess' new reality show about her nut farm in Hawaii. Click HERE to read a great interview with the former Lanford resident. Kendall, could this be our new "D-List"? Shh . . . don't tell Kathy!

And then on Thursday at midnight, finally a reason to leave the house: HARRY POTTER 7 part 2!!!

Wild About Harry!

2011-07-10T07:00:00.000-07:00

This week it all ends!!! Grab your wand and some pumpkin juice!! Or even better, Butter Beer!!

GET READY TO WEEP! Going to buy my ticket now!

How About SUMMER Cleaning?

2011-07-10T06:46:00.000-07:00

That's what we're up to in the studio! Cleaned out the storage closet (filled the recycling bins behind the building with Fiber bar boxes alone!) and aren't stopping til the whole place is sparkling clean!

Above: things are piled up in the corner so Tyler can sweep!

Here's an old snapshot of Tyler I found in my desk drawer. It was the one he included in his resume. But don't think I gave him the job because of his looks! It was mostly due to the work ethic he described in his curriculum vitae. He works his abs 5 days a week! Pecs 4 days and arms 6 days!! That's dedication!

And finally, we even cleaned out the refrigerator- I was afraid all this ice cream would go bad! What should I do with it?

What Lazy Looks Like

2011-07-08T04:39:00.001-07:00

We're on a roll.

A Cry For Help

2011-07-08T04:38:00.000-07:00

PRAY FOR US

Sam Forever!!!!!

2011-07-05T18:10:00.001-07:00

Sometimes it's really hard to think of things that are worthy of talking about here on our blog. But not today! Have you heard that Sam is not being promoted to regular on "Glee"!?! He has the option of returning to guest star occasionally or something.

I hope that they reconsider after a massive outpouring of emotion from all the fans of our trouty-mouthed guy.

Justin Timberlake Buys MySpace!

2011-06-30T05:03:00.000-07:00

In other hot dude news, Justin Timberlake (and some other probably less hot dudes/dudettes) are pooling some cash to buy that creaky old internet ghost-town known as MySpace.

And THIS JUST HIT ME, he's buying MySpace and he was IN THE FACEBOOK MOVIE!!!!! What a world!

Anyway- Justin says he wants MySpace to be a place where people can connect with their favorite artists and hear new music and stuff like that. I love him (and all together the site's selling for 35 million, which means even if he bought the whole thing it'd be chump change for JT) BUT if I can get tweets directly from Lady GaGa and see pictures uploaded by Elvira herself on facebook- then I already feel pretty connected. But- who knows, we may all move back over to MySpace by next year!

Probably not, but good luck Justin! Considering these days he's better known as the voice of BooBoo in that allegedly awful Yogi Bear movie- maybe instead of hooking fans up with a newly bedazzled MySpace- he could hook a fan up with a new Justin Timberlake album? FutureSex/Lovesounds is now in the past!

Jake Gyllenhaal in the Wilderness

2011-06-30T04:53:00.001-07:00

While you might think my husband Jake Gyllenhaal would be too busy filming movies like "Source Code" or filing restraining orders against almost 30 year old gay dudes to film a guest spot on a TV show- you would be wrong!

Of all the shows I would choose for Jake to guest on ("30 Rock," "Curb Your Enthusiasm," old "Mary Tyler Moore Show" reruns) he has again gone outside the box, and outside any studio to appear on this coming Monday's season premiere of Man Vs. Wild on the Discovery Channel.

I just hope they have to nakedly jump into some of that ice cold Iceland water. Or nakedly climb one of those ice cold Iceland mountains. Or nakedly sit around in one of those ice cold Iceland production vehicles. Whatever they do, I'm sure it will be Must See TV! Learn more and watch a trailer for the episode HERE. I'm poor but for this I will track down someone with cable and a DVR!

Wow! And We're Backer Than Ever

2011-06-28T03:47:00.000-07:00

We have been so busy planning for our big 200th Episode Blow-Out (and the 10 week celebration leading up to it) that we've all but neglected the blog! I asked Tyler to do some updates, but well . . . he said yes, but his eyes were pretty glassy at the time. The studio was pretty stinky too.

Anyway . . . Our 2 most recent shows are instant classics! 190- Teenage Bedrooms finds us revisiting (literally) our bedrooms from our teen years. What emotions will this bring up? Mostly uncontrollable laughter- along with Bad Jokes, Would U Rather, and R U Talkin' 2 Me? (Ricky Martin represents my teenage bedroom- I had that exact poster!)

And 191- Salute to the Environment, well I think it's about time someone stood up and told everyone about how awesome our Mother is! MOTHER EARTH! We're celebrating her bountiful harvest and innumerable assets along with Bad Jokes, R U Talkin' 2 Me, and Would U Rather! (That's right- 2 fan favorite segments, 2 weeks in a row!)

Invictus

2011-06-21T04:40:00.000-07:00

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

Happy Birthday Aunt Jackie!

2011-06-16T08:40:00.000-07:00

So, I'm innocently watching an old "Roseanne" episode and BOOM on the internet I'm informed that today is Aunt Jackie (aka Laurie Metcalf)'s birthday!!! She's 56 and still so awesome (I'm assuming).

And right now, in this 18 year old sitcom episode, she's really pregnant. Did you know when Jackie was pregnant with Andy that Laurie Metcalf was really pregnant? She was!! And now she must have a 17-18 year old kid that damn well better be making her a birthday cake right now!

Happy Birthday!

Oscar Shakeup!

2011-06-15T05:55:00.001-07:00

No, unfortunately they have not decided to instate James Franco as a permanent Castro-like 'Oscar Host For Life'- instead the Academy has once again shaken up the rules for Best Picture nominees!

The last two years have seen 10 Best Picture nominees, as opposed to the 5 nominees seen for the 6 or so decades before that. Now, the new rules (read about them HERE) have made it so that there could be anywhere between 5 and 10 nominees in a given year.

That's Hollywood for ya!

How is This Still a Thing?

2011-06-12T13:19:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I am going about my daily life, and all of a sudden- something happens and I'm shockingly reminded that some people think being gay is still a hot topic. People still get so offended and mad- isn't that weird?

Dianna Agron, Quinn from "Glee," wrote a great post on her blog about it HERE. She relays that some people write in about the show and say they love the series, but hate the gay storylines. And I admit, I've heard people say the same. Really? Is it because you hate prep school uniforms? Or are uncomfortable with how effeminate Kurt is? I am so glad he's so feminine! It would have been SO easy for them to have the main gay character be "straight acting" like Blaine. But- the world is not like that!!!!

It's even teaching gay people themselves a lesson! Not only the "it's okay to come out/accept yourself" lesson, but also that "you don't have to butch it up to be accepted!" You can fucking sing Don't Cry For Me Argentina to a room full of straight men! It's a pretty big/probably little known thing in the "gay community" that the more flamboyant you are- the more marginalized you are. To be outcast from your community of outcasts, as John Waters might say.

Oh, it's all crazy. This was a weird post, right? Tyler brought me in another care package of butternut rye krispies this morning and well, I guess I've had a few!

The Truth About Calories

2011-06-12T07:20:00.000-07:00

Enjoy this photo of Zac Efron and read THIS article which reveals the **Truth** about calories!! Did you know that exercise is not the biggest calorie burner?! Even the leanest gym bunnies only burn around 30% of their daily calories at the gym.

Calories! Weight! It can all be so exhausting! I need more pictures of Zac Efron!

Johnny Depp is 48!

2011-06-09T06:28:00.000-07:00

Today is Johnny Depp's 48th birthday!! He's now in his early late 40's. There's no denying it.

But, seeing as how Johnny has been christened "Eternally Sexy" by the planet (similar to the much less deserving Sean Connery)- he's probably cool with being 48. Hell, he's probably cool with just about everything.

I tried to think of when Johnny Depp was the hottest- but he's always been hot. From "21 Jump Street" to his very, very hot (but short-lived) role in "Nightmare on Elm Street" to that long blonde hair in "Blow"- he's just always smmmokinnnn. (As The Mask would say).

Happy Birthday Johnny Depp! If I looked like you, I wouldn't mind being 48!

NIghtmare Re-re-reboot?

2011-06-08T04:45:00.000-07:00

Is it true that Nick Carter is going to be reinterpreting the role of Freddy Krueger? I hope so!!

I'd even say- let's leave the burn victim makeup off- so we can see that pretty little face. And his nice blond hair. And his boyish smile. Do you remember the late 90's? Nick Carter made them so much dreamier. He was not my first true love, but oh what a pre-millenium dreamboat.

I can't wait to see how to get things out of a Freddy Krueger nightmare this time! Out of a vajayjay again? Out of a manjayjay? I like the choice that Freddy has made to wear basketball shorts. So 2011.

Now, which part can Zac Efron play in this reboot? I can't remember- did Freddy have a sexy assistant? (Like me?) I guess he could bring Freddy water.

Kathy and Paula Deen!

2011-06-08T04:01:00.000-07:00

Look at Kathy and Paula Deen!

First, I love how natural they look- so real and beautiful! Just being themselves. AND they're wearing a shirt that is an obvious message to Cliff and Kendall! We actually need a whole closet full of these shirts.

Happy Memorial Day!

2011-05-30T07:48:00.000-07:00

Tyler overcropped the above photo of Mr. Snodbottom in his "outdoor BBQ clothes" as we celebrate Memorial Day!

Hopefully you have the grill aflame and the cooler iced up! Mr. Snodbottom is casual on this holiday and so should you be- and don't forget to send a nice fruit basket to each service member of our armed forces!!

Memorialize Them!!! Have a great day!!